The Jello Incident
by Flatkatsi
Summary: Jack is hungry


The Jello Incident

The SGC commissary was abuzz with conversation when Colonel Jack O'Neill finally managed to find the time to eat his well-deserved lunch He glanced around as he entered the busy room looking for an empty seat. Every table except for one was occupied by at least three people. In the back corner, the Jaffa warrior Teal'c sat in solitary splendour.

Looking over at the long line waiting to be served, Jack threaded his way between the tables until he reached his goal.

"Colonel O'Neill" Teal'c greeted him with a slight inclination of his head.

"Mind if I join you, Teal'c?"

"You are most welcome to join me, Colonel." Teal'c replied. "I have been observing the personnel in this room and have some questions that you may be able to answer."

Jack smiled slightly. Teal'c had been a member of the SGC for only a couple of months and was still getting use to Earth customs. It was clear that some of the things that he had experienced had completely bewildered him. When another member of SG1 was around, they often found themselves bombarded with questions. The one that Jack had particularly liked was why Colonel Makepeace's marines were called Jarheads. Teal'c had asked this in a loud voice while watching the aforementioned marine Colonel being soundly trounced by Jack during an unarmed combat demonstration for new personnel. The incident had almost convinced the Colonel that Teal'c's sense of humor was as wicked as his own.

"Ask away, Teal'c." Jack pulled out a chair and sat across from the big man.

"What type of animal is this beef? It seems from the meal that I have been eating that it is an extremely thin and sinewy creature, completely unsuitable for food. Is your planet so devoid of beasts that could be slaughtered for meat that this one is the best available?" As he spoke, he raised a large forkful of stew to eye level and examined it disapprovingly before continuing, "And why does every meal come covered in a layer of some sort of gravy? What is your Air Force trying to conceal from us? Just what are they hiding and why?" He fixed the Colonel with a piercing gaze and raised one eyebrow in enquiry.

"Beef is the meat of a cow, Teal'c." Jack answered with a grin, only to have the Jaffa continue as if he hadn't heard.

"Also, what exactly is this jello which seems to have upset the people in here so much? Major Carter was here a few minutes ago and was extremely angry after a conversation regarding this jello."

"Jello?" The Colonel quickly took stock of the contents of the dessert bowls that he could see from his vantage point. There seemed to be an ominous lack of jello. Most bowls were filled with an insipid yellow substance. Jack had the awful suspicion that it was meant to be custard. He hated custard. Custard wasn't a food, it was an insult.

With an abrupt "Excuse me for a moment," to Teal'c, Colonel O'Neill strode up to the head of the serving line. Ignoring the startled looks from the waiting people, he leaned forward, fixing the cook in charge with a piercing glare.

"Where is the jello?"

The large man visibly shook. His worst fears had come true. Colonel O'Neill had chosen this day of all days to want jello with his lunch. It was bad enough that Major Carter had been so upset, but now to have the Colonel as well. . .he just felt like crying. He straightened and spoke as calmly as possible.

"There was a problem with the food orders this week, Sir. We didn't get our full order of jello. It ran out an hour ago. Colonel Makepeace's team had the last of it, Sir."

"So there is no jello?" Colonel O'Neill's voice was icy.

"No, Sir. But we have plenty of custard." The cook plastered a weak smile on his sweating face.

"Custard" The listening personnel had had no idea that so much contempt could be conveyed in the space of one word.

Oblivious, the cook reached for a bowl, ready to pass it to the Colonel.

"I don't want custard." Colonel O'Neill eyed the quivering goo with utter distaste. "I want jello. Preferably red."

"I'm sorry, Sir. Colonel Makepeace himself had the last of the red jello. There was some blue left, but it's finished now too." The cook could see that he was just digging himself a bigger hole. Desperation got the better of him. "I'm sorry, Sir. I have to get back to the kitchen. I have something boiling on the stove."

"Not jello obviously," the Colonel's tone was bitter as he stalked back to his table.

Teal'c had been watching the whole exchange, as had the rest of the commissary. Colonel O'Neill's muttered "Jarheads!" was audible in the uneasy silence that had settled over the room.

Jack pulled his chair out with a savage tug and slouched into it. He raised piteous eyes to his companion.

"I was looking forward to jello."

"So I can see, O'Neill."

"It isn't much to ask, is it?"

"Indeed not, O'Neill." Teal'c paused and then continued. "I do not, however, know what this jello is."

Jack sat forward with a fanatical gleam in his eye. "It's a dessert, Teal'c. The best dessert anyone could wish for."

"What is this wondrous dessert made from, O'Neill?" Teal'c seemed genuinely interested.

Jack thought for a moment. "Ah. . .sugar. . .And water. . .And food coloring and other chemical stuff And. . .ah. . .gelatin."

Teal'c raised both his eyebrows in astonishment. "Sugar and water and chemicals?"

Jack looked down at the surface of the table. "Yeap."

"This gelatin - what is that?"

Jack swallowed. "It helps set the jello."

"What is it made of?"

Jack had known better than to hope that Teal'c would not ask that question. Unfortunately Jack knew the answer.

"It's made from boiled cow hoofs and skin" He spoke as quickly as possible.

"Cow hoofs. This is the animal that produces this "beef"." Teal'c stared pointedly at the rejected plate of food in front of him. "I can certainly see why you react so strongly when denied the pleasure of this "jello". Boiled hoofs and chemicals seem so appealing." With that, he stood and regally left the room.

Yes, Jack thought. Teal'c did have a wicked sense of humor. And he wasn't a slouch at the sarcasm either.

The End


End file.
